Like regular hiking, but on a fucking glacier. It may sound awesome, but it in fact totally sucks. How do I know? I know because—I mean, just look at that! Look how easy it would be to slip! You’re much better off with NORMAL hiking. Normal things are always more fun. That’s practically a law of physics.
A cave. Made of ice. In a glacier. Isn’t it the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen? Believe it or not, it’s even uglier in person. Anyone you meet telling you how beautiful ice caves are is just playing a mean practical joke and wants to see you fly all the way to Iceland only to get smacked in the face with pure, unadulterated ugly.
Ice climbing! Now, of course any sane person would look at that picture and think “there’s no way I or anyone else would ever want to attempt something like that.” But the Iceland tour guides just want your money, so they’ll go to great lengths to make it sound fun and appealing and not insane. Even if you’ve never had any experience ice climbing, they’ll offer you a guided and safe introduction. To make it extra enticing, they’ll even provide all the equipment for you! I’m telling you, they’re sneaky. Stay away!
Waterfall, shmaterfall! Waterfalls are way prettier without all that pesky, pristine snow surrounding them anyway.
Jokulsarlon + Aurora Borealis
Jokulsarlon is a glacier lagoon. All that means is it’s a lake with big pieces of ice in it. Totally overrated. They say that Jokulsarlon is one of the best places in the world to view the northern lights. However, I’m convinced that these aurora whatever are a giant hoax. Everyone knows the sky is blue. I personally was in Iceland for a whole fucking week and all I saw in the sky were clouds. Have YOU ever seen these mysterious lights? I didn’t think so. Hoax confirmed.
How many caves are there in the world? A lot. So why go all the way to Iceland for a stupid cave that sucks? Oh sure, this one might be enormous and made out of lava and have icicles all over it, but in case you didn’t know, lava and icicles totally suck. There, I just saved you a lot of trouble.
Iceland’s weather is unpredictable. If you go during the winter with your heart set on seeing, say, anything outside a one-hour radius of Reykjavik (Iceland’s capital and only city), you may be disappointed. Luckily, though, everything outside a one-hour radius of Reykjavik totally sucks! Which is why I’m not at all bitter or upset that I wasn’t able to do or see any of the above during my trip. It’s not like I was planning to do any of those stupid things anyway. And it’s not like I specifically went in March to avoid the harshest weather. I was happy to stay in my hotel room. I got lucky and saved money!
I did get this though:
In Icelandic, that means “I don’t speak Icelandic.” The shot glass doesn’t suck.